Watch Grid: We are so sick

"We rejoice in our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance." (Paul was Midwestern.)

Hello, here’s a college football post. If you’re subscribed to this newsletter for non-sports reasons: (1.) thank you and (2.) please stick around despite sports stuff in your inbox for the next few months.

Since 2016, I’ve put together a weekly CFB schedule guide called the Watch Grid, the most popular sports thing I write. Going forward, it will arrive every Thursday (or Friday) of CFB season via this very Substack. FWD this email to a friend who might be interested.

I’m doing this for free because it’s fun. In years when I’ve posted it straight to social media, people have kindly asked how they can tip me as a thank you. For 2023, this is my answer:

• My debut novel is on its way, with orders hopefully available during football season. I’ll share much more information later, but for now, you see how that math lines up: I send you 15+ weekend guides, and you order a ~$15 book that’d be worth your while even if I’d never emailed you any spreadsheet screenshots.¹

• To be extra sure you don’t miss it, sign up for updates from Shutdown Fullbooks, the internet’s only book publisher. (It’ll also be obtainable via Amazon, your local book shop, and wherever else.)

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If I were still an editor in charge of a large website’s college football coverage, I would’ve assigned someone this article: Is this the Week 0-est Week 0 schedule ever? I’m not going to look into the answer to that question right now (partly because I spent Friday through Tuesday in the hospital and am writing this while still in the shadow realm), but let us note: This Week 0 is Week 0 as fuck.

The Watch Grid refuses to insist you watch anything unless it’s worthy, so this week’s green column was in no danger of occupancy whatsoever. The middle column, however, adjusts for context. This time around, it elevates four games that would not even approach the cut on any other Saturday.

• The first game of the season always gains a watchability boost, CFB’s previous Ireland game included stupid off-field stuff, and we get to enjoy Notre Dame having the terrible idea to play a (modified) option team far from home.

• UTEP-Jacksonville State isn’t just an FBS game, but the season’s first conference game. It also has the weekend’s tightest point spread, if you’re into competition. That also applies to Ohio-San Diego State, and I considered UMass-New Mexico State as well. Yes, the situation is that dire.

• In the later slot, No. 6 USC plays on a network soon to be killed by USC no longer playing on it. Meanwhile, a mid-tier FCS game is on a channel even your great-grandfather knows how to find. The comedy choice is clear.

• As always, something wondrous will emerge from the It’s Football pile.

(And now we’ll set the stopwatch. Over/under 1.5 hours until someone accuses me of ripping off the game-of-the-week bit also done by my precious offspring, the Sickos Committee? It’s usually under.)

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• And speaking of free college football stuff: The Athletic’s new free college football newsletter, Until Saturday, launches next week. (I’ll help edit it, along with our other excellent newsletters, and I came up with its name tbh.)

1. Why not just post a pre-order link now? I’ll explain later, if you want. Business.