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Watch Grid: Drive for 29.5
Oh right, and other stuff.
First, here’s a college football schedule:
Second, sign up for updates at Shutdown Fullbooks and buy my novel — OH NO IT’S THE PROMO ZONE! BETTER SCROLL DOWN! — once it’s available. We’re currently waiting to finish up this round of highly illustrious blurbs written by numerous magnificently attractive peers, since that’ll determine final cover art.
While we wait, I’ll once again insist you place high expectations upon this novel. Whether you like funny stories, heartbreaking stories, or illuminating stories, I want your preseason AP votes.
Speaking of, this time around, I’ll tell you this: It’s not about football, but its opening scene is on a football field of sorts. Football colleges mentioned throughout the story, in chronological order: Penn State, Duke, South Carolina, Ohio State, Youngstown State, Miami, San Diego State, Liberty, and Hillsdale. Bob Jones is also mentioned. They don’t have football, thankfully.
There is also exactly one Shutdown Fullcast reference, in the same sentence as the dozenth-or-so unavoidable Tolkien reference.
And I plan to launch with a TBA charitable component. I do not intend to keep any of the money made by this years-long project.
And third, for the third time in the Iowa Hawkeyes’ last 11 games, the sportsbooks have set the scoring total at exactly 31.5 points. (The other two went Iowa 13, Minnesota 10 and Iowa 21, Kentucky 0.) My favorite part: the total opened at a lofty 36.5, which still would’ve been the lowest non-military game of the weekend, but depraved punt speculators hammered that number into the dirt within minutes.
The only other teams capable of producing such thin digits are Army and Navy, who spend 365 days per year fixating on how to stop each other’s clock-slaughtering offenses in miserable December weather. The lowest-ever Army-Navy total was 2022’s mere 32, but this season’s edition could go below freezing — and maybe even below Ferentz. Army and Navy respectively finished #63 and #105 in scoring last year, but rank #93 and #118 this time.
But that might not be enough to undercut Coach Kirk. Looming on Black Friday is a game with a real shot to go sub-31. I think we can start to dream even smaller, to delve too greedily and too deep.
On November 24th at 11 a.m. local, Iowa travels to Nebraska. Those hoping to one day glimpse a number as disgusting as 29.5 have this one circled. It’s more exciting (for perverts) than the Minnesota game for several reasons:
The Huskers’ defense, #21 in SP+, is better than the Gophers’ …
… and the Huskers’ offense has scored fewer points than Iowa’s, ranking 11th from the bottom of FBS.
Half of this year’s Minnesota games have disgustingly gone over the total, while Nebraska games have only done it twice. This is a deceptive way of saying “three times vs. twice,” granted. (Over the last two seasons, the three teams likeliest to go under are Iowa, Kentucky, and Iowa State.)
Meanwhile, the severely banged-up Hawkeyes might have very little to play for, since they could lose a game before then and still have the Big Ten West already clinched, meaning it could be worthwhile to heal up a little before the Big Ten Championship, rather than go all out to win a short-week road game. Then again, I’m not sure whether “going all out” would make Iowa any more or less likely to score points anyway. (And sure, we’re doing the what-if-Iowa-playoff-lmao thing we do every few years, but this time, it’d require the Hawkeyes to beat a team of Penn State’s caliber — after already having lost 31-0 to a team of Penn State’s very specific proportions despite being far healthier at the time. To be clear, I lmao along with those wondering what if Iowa playoff.)
Was most of this week’s writeup about a bad game happening more than a month from now? Yes, why?
Congrats once again to teams that are already done for the week with wins, such as FIU, Jacksonville State, New Mexico State, South Alabama, and the Las Vegas Aces.