WATCH GRID: 32 novelty junk foods, ranked

Weekly CFB schedule guide, plus food journalism

From worst to first, a non-complete ranking of some trash that I tried in the past year “because lmao.” Let’s rank:

Worst: Doritos Flamin’ Hot Mystery Flavor (Mystery spoiler: I think the mystery is … coffee?)

31. Cup o Noodles campfire smores

30. Lay’s IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Fruity

29. Taco Bell Cheez-It Crunchwrap

28. Oreo Coke Zero (The tweener. From here on out, everything is at least Fine. But you, Oreo Coke Zero? You just confuse me.)

27. Harvest Snaps “hot & spicy” Crunchy Loops

26. Doritos Baja Fiery Mango

25. Candy Pop Sour Patch Kids popcorn

24. Buc-ee's Cherry Cola popcorn

23. Takis Blue Heat (Just about the hottest snack I’ve ever found, but that’s all it offers.)

22. Coke Zero Y3000

21. Red Velvet Oreos

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This part is Business!, and if you’ve already done it, you can skip it.¹

Hi! If you’ve enjoyed my work over the years, I’m asking for five minutes today:

1. Find your library’s request form, likely online. Ask them to add my objectively good novel, Hell Is a World Without You.*

2. For likely success, include the link to this review. (Don’t write goofs like “Fullcast sent me.”)

3. Let me know (jasonkirkbook at gmail or comment below or whatever) which library you asked.

Once we hit our goal of 1,000 new requests (in one week, we’re almost a third of the way there), I’ll select one of you at random and send $1,000 to the charity of your choice. (In addition to the $50,000 this book raised in February for the Trevor Project.)

For fun, I’m tracking which states produce the most requests per capita. D.C., Kentucky, Illinois, and Florida are winning their respective weight classes, while Mississippi, New Mexico, Idaho, and West Virginia have the most room to improve.

* It’s already in ??? libraries, so if it’s already in yours, how about your alma mater’s library, state system at large, etc.? If the form wants an ISBN: hardcover is 9781735492650, ebook is 9781735492629, and audiobook is 9781735492667. Pick whichever. If it asks for genre: adult/contemporary fiction.

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Note: This is a non-complete list of junk. It’s just the debris that I can remember because it happens to remain in my camera roll. (There should be a Goodreads of garbage food.) Along the way, who knows what forgotten other rubbish I consumed, and who knows which other mistakes I foolishly considered too normal to include in this list?

20. Lays Chile Limon

19. Mountain Dew Citrus Cherry Gamerfuel, enjoyed as the Michigan Wolverines won the Rose Bowl

18. Doritos Flamin’ Hot Limon

17. Doritos Collision: Tangy Pickle vs. Cool Ranch

16. Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Tangy Chili Fusion

15. Mint Chip Oreos

14. Sour Patch Kids Oreos (That combination of insane words adds up to “birthday cake.”)

13. Buc-ees Everything Bagel Cashews

12. Whataburger Spicy Jalapeno Ranch in a squeeze bottle (Demerits for terrible squeeze bottle.)

11. Cheetos Xxtra Flamin’ Hot

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If you haven’t done Business! yet, make a note to do it today? Thanks!!

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Why fall for stunt foods? I attribute this to trading cards and comic books, which taught me long ago that something becomes more valuable once it looks slightly different and/or is combined with something else. Surprisingly, last year, several doctors complimented my cardiovascular health. Unsurprisingly, when people say, “You’re eating Chipotle? You’re gonna get so sick lol,” I never relate.

10. Cheetos Crunchy Buffalo

9. Lays Crispy Taco

8. Taco Bell Baja Blast Gelato

7. Doritos Hot Honey Mustard Dynamite Sticks

6. Little Skittles

5. Takis Guacamole

4. Ole Smoky Moonshine Pickles (Did I add bonus points because we consumed these at a tailgate with a member of the world’s only good ska band, Five Iron Frenzy? No, I think I graded objectively.)

3. Reese’s Big Cups with Reese’s Puffs inside??? How could anything beat this??

2. Buc-ees Salted Caramel Churro Cashews

1. Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Cajun Cheddar

1. Reminder to scroll back up and do Business! Thanks!